Breakups and Ex boyfriends

I would first like to start this entry out with a letter.

dear boys,

you all seriously suck and i hate you.

love,

haley

okay. so tonight i will most likely be running into my ex boyfriend who i haven't seen in 2 months. and i am not excited (well that's not completely true, i don't really know how i feel about it). what do i say? what do i wear? should i say hi to him with words or my open hand across his face? i have no idea. and no amount of advice or tips will give me the slightest idea of how i should act. i'm furious. i'm sad. i'm happy. i'm just not over it. and no matter what i say to my friends and family or to myself for that matter, if i'm being 100% honest about the situation i am still so in love with him, or at least who he was before we broke up. and just as much as i am in love with him i'm twice as much hurt by him for everything that happened over the past four years (yes, my entire college career). and i can't help myself from thinking that with time my wounds will heal and maybe we can be together again. not that i think he still wants to be with me, because due to the past 2 months of silence i don't think he does. 

anyway, this is just a universal difficult situation that everyone, including guys, have to deal with. seeing your ex is difficult, even more so when you still have feelings for the person. 

i feel like i've talked about my whole situation with my ex more times than any of my friends want to hear and i hate that i love(and hate) talking about it. it confuses me and leaves me feeling helpless and unworthy. which i know that i'm not either. i'm still holding onto the idea of us because i don't want to move on, but the only thing i'm holding onto is the pain.